popcornpie

I tried so hard to change but I slipped right back into my old ways. I'm sorry mom. I know I had such promise. I know I shouldn't have let frustration and envy consume me. I thought roleplaying would just be a friendbuilding exercise, I didn't see what a monster I was becoming until it was too late.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I desperately hope I'm not really stuck as a monster. I hope there is a crack in the chamber I built around myself. Someone please save me.

There's something I've been wanting to write a long time but I'm unclear on if I want it to be an RP or a fanfiction. Unfortunately, mid-writing this entry, I realized how tasteless it would be with current events.

Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

I opened Discord on my laptop and RIGHT in my DMs is that fucking ex-GM of mine again.




No, I didn't read it. I left him on read because I know whatever he sends me these days will either be hateful or ordering me to stop doing something he doesn't like. Thing is, why the fuck am I STILL getting Discord DMs from a dude I blocked, constantly tried to leave, sent a massive callout to, and made crystal clear I wanted him to take his lore and his toxic friends and just leave me the hell alone?

HIS LORE IS DIRECTLY COPIED FROM ANOTHER ROLEPLAY SERIES SO IT BETTER NOT BE ABOUT ME STILL BUILDING MY SUCCESSOR. 



He didn't find out that I know about that now, did he? Wouldn't be surprised if it was funneled to him somehow that I dared to ask a wiki member if their RP had relations to his.

I NEVER said I was perfect in our drama. I let my emotions go off the handle due to stress, I was very against parting with a longtime canon of mine, I vented about the drama in places where he wasn't, I got him banned from RPNation, and I did use his lore as a base for mine. And when I had him blocked, I did keep thinking his hidden messages were inflammatory against me and bite back, which got me kicked from a server. You could make a big Encyclopedia Dramatica page out of me, too. And there probably already is.

Here's the difference, though. I'm interested in growing as a person. In my new RP groups, I've felt much calmer and haven't been the epicenter of drama. I'm getting canons down better. I've burned bridges but I've rebuilt some, too. And the lore "copying" he throws a tantrum about has been getting worked on and reworked on until it resembles his RP as little as possible.

Meanwhile, as far as I can tell, he has continued to be the emotionally manipulative twat he is. His latest RP server fell apart because the members were sick of him and his community. How do I know this? One of those people who left him is my friend. (Yeah, I'm not alone on getting pushed around by this guy.)



And if the fact that I have a new DM from him is any indication, he has not moved on from me even though I've all but totally moved on from him. "Doesn't that make this post kinda hypocritical?" Well, when this bastard is continually trying to weasel back into my mind despite our mutual loathing and my multiple messages telling him I no longer care about him and to leave me alone, of course I want to express my anger about this shit. He is not interested in being friends again, I know that for a fact because our last DM conversation had me putting him on mute while he wrote a fucking college essay on why he despises me. I'm just sick of being punched emotionally by him, I'm happy with the new communities and friends I've got and returning to him would only drag me back to square one. If he continues RP, that's jolly good. Just leave me out of it and just forget we were ever writing on the same forum.

By the way, I noticed while I was applying censors that the current pfp of this angry, bitter, deluded control freak who ultimately pushes everyone away from him seems to be Bojack Horseman...



...I can't help but chuckle internally. 
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Sidenote, I deeply apologize to everyone here who I kinda ghosted. It's been tiring, LifeCoach and all that, so I haven't had the motivation to do much. But I swear I remember I have things I said I'd do here.

Got through watching the ball drop with my family. And aside from the pummeling from my multiple existential threats, I have things I swear I'm gonna do. Especially being active here and AO3. Yep, my AO3 invitation came three days before it was expected and I'm all set up.

I can't wait to participate in new RPs and foray into legitimate fanfictions. Come on 2022, at least give me the vigor!

I keep finding nice panfandom RPs but no way to talk to the members!

Not to be impatient but I could REALLY use the advice on joining communities, making mine, getting users to talk to me...I just feel like a lonely speck in space y'know?

Turns out that Last Voyages' Double Trouble "graduated", so they're not available anymore unless I implied that they did something else illegal.

wHELP, I guess that means I have to do things...my Plan B way.

I have my starting 15 muses set up.

Giffany
Entrapta
Samus
Mao Mao
Megumin
Double Trouble
Rex Salazar
Ryuko Matoi
Kanna Kamui
Byakuya Togami
Kirumi Tojo
Eri-chan
Lucky O'Chopper
Yuri Kozukata

The party is subject to change, of course, but these are my chosen starting 14.

Now I just need the courage to join one of these here groups.

If I wanna start RPs on Dreamwidth and LiveJournal, then the logical place to start would be joining RPs that were already started. Nothing succeeds if you don't learn the ropes beforeheand.

That said...Should I have only picked one or the other? because having both this and LIveJournal feels superfluous when they're so much alike.

Within the first night of having LiveJournal, I had to redo my password and then my phone's IP address was tempbanned. Great.

Just seems that I needed at least one of the Journal sites to get the full experience here.